Why the "Everyday Essentials" for Parenting are Important for Children who Lived with Violence

This handout describes the 10 Everyday Essentials for Parenting:

Everyday Essentials: Top Ten Tips for Parents

Those 10 points were chosen to match the needs of children who have lived with violence in their homes.

1. Positive role modelling

Abusive men are self-centred and constitute poor role models. Children may learn that power and control tactics are effective in getting needs met without consequence. He may model pro-criminal or anti-police attitudes, substance use, racism, anti-woman attitudes, selfishness, lying or victim blaming.

2. Clear expectations

Children may be caught between the mother's rules and the father's rules, or be confused because the rules vary from day to day.

3. Praise good behaviour

Children may have been emotionally abused and called names, corrected at every turn, insulted and never encouraged or praised. They may develop an inordinate fear of failure that prevents them from trying new things.

4. Focus on behaviour, not qualities of the child

Children may have been told that they are stupid or unattractive. Self-esteem will be compromised rather than good behaviour encouraged.

5. Explanation for requests

Rigid and authoritarian parents issue orders and expect immediate and unquestioning compliance.

6. Avoid emotional reactions and yelling

Children who live with anger, yelling and conflict may cope by tuning out the noise, distracting themselves with fantasy or emotional numbing, or learning to yell themselves. Discipline based on emotion is unpredictable and unfair. Rather than teaching a constructive lesson, the children learn that "might makes right." This type of discipline is also inconsistent so children see they can get away with the bad behaviour some of the time.

7. Givens & choices

Children might never have been asked for their preferences or opinions about anything.

8. Reasonable expectations

Children may have been expected to be quiet, clean, and a host of other things they just cannot live up to. They may always feel inadequate.

9. Boundaries around adult matters

Boundaries in homes with violence may be poor and children will hear or be told about intimate and private matters about their mother. They may have heard or seen sexual assaults.

10. Spending time with the children

Children may be socially isolated from peers, especially if the family had to move. A mother may be exhausted by coping with daily life and not have enough energy left for the children. Abusive fathers often ignore the children or make his attention contingent upon unreasonable requests (e.g., when you come live with me, you can get your Christmas presents). Children may even doubt their mother's love or feel unworthy of love and attention, or not want to put pressure on a mother by asking for attention.

Handouts for Women

Everyday Essentials: Top Ten Tips for Parents

What Children can Learn from Violence

10 Things I can do: Using the Everyday Essentials at Home

Choosing Non-negotiable Rules in our Family

What I Learned from my Parents About Being a Parent

Information for Mothers who have Left Abusive Relationships (a pamphlet for mothers with the top ten tips)

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