Roles Children may Assume When Woman Abuse Occurs

In our family, we can adopt or be given "roles" we willingly or unconsciously play while interacting with others in the family.

Examples of family roles are: the mediator of disputes, the "baby" of the family, the prized child who can do no wrong, the responsible one on whom everyone relies, or the "black sheep" who does not fit in and is expected to disappoint the others.

Roles that develop or are assigned in families characterized by woman abuse reflect the unique ways each person adapts and copes with the secret, confusing, and dangerous situation in which they live.

Key points about family roles...

a role may be imposed on the child or it may be assumed by the child
children can play more than one role
children may play roles during abusive incidents (e.g., referee, rescuer, deflector/distractor, caretaker of younger siblings)
a child may use the role as a strategy to cope, so it might not be turned off overnight once the abuser is gone
roles assigned by the abuser can lead to guilt, grief and other hurtful emotions, especially after he is gone

Examining family roles is important because...

it helps us understand how a child interprets and copes with violence (so we can intervene effectively)
it helps us understand how different children in the same family can have dramatically different understandings of what happened in their homes
it helps us understand how a child may think and feel once the abuser is gone
it is a framework for understanding how tension can occur between siblings or in the mother-child relationship

For example, children who adopt pseudo-adult roles such as the "caretaker" may have difficulty adjusting when expected to assume the role of child once again. The "abuser's assistant" may take up the role of abuser. The "scapegoat" child's isolation within the family may be intensified by feelings of responsibility for the marital break-up. The "perfect child" may be impatient with and blaming towards siblings who mis-behaved or otherwise "triggered" abuse by the abuser.

Assessing the role of each child can be helpful when families continue to struggle with conflict or abuse even after the abusive partner has left the home.

These are some examples of roles which may be played by children in families characterized by woman abuse.

Caretaker

Acts as a parent to younger siblings and mother. May oversee routines and household responsibilities (e.g., meals, putting young siblings to bed), help to keep siblings safe during a violent incident and comfort them afterwards (e.g., reassuring siblings, getting tea for mother).

Mother's Confidant

The child who is privy to mother's feelings, concerns, and plans. After witnessing abusive incidents, his or her recollections may serve as a "reality check" for mother, if abuser later minimizes or lies about events.

Abuser's Confidant

The child who is treated better by abuser and most likely to be told his justifications for abuse against mother. May be asked to report back on mother's behaviour and be rewarded for doing so with, for example, privileges or absence of harsh treatment.

Abuser's Assistant

The child who is co-opted or forced to assist in abuse of mother (e.g., made to say demeaning things or to physically hit mother).

Perfect Child

The child who tries to prevent violence by actively addressing issues (wrongly) perceived as triggers, in this case by excelling in school and never arguing, rebelling, mis-behaving, or seeking help with problems.

Referee

The child who mediates and tries to keep the peace.

Scapegoat

The child identified as the cause of family problems, blamed for tension between parents or whose behaviour is used to justify violence. May have special needs or be a step-child to abuser.

Want to know more?

Alison Cunningham & Linda Baker (2004). What About Me! Seeking to Understand the Child's View of Violence in the Family. London ON: Centre for Children & Families in the Justice System.

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