This page is an excerpt from:
 Helping Children Thrive: Supporting Woman Abuse Survivors as Mothers
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Effects of Power & Control Tactics on a Mother
The tactics of power and control are the hallmarks of an abusive man, whether or not physical violence is used. The consequences of these tactics for women are well-documented and understood and include erosion of self-esteem, living in chronic fear, health challenges, and lack of self-determination.
How might power and control tactics affect a woman as she parents her children?
woman believes she is an inadequate parent
woman portrayed by abuser as unfit mother, cause of children's deficits
fears having her children taken by CAS
is frustrated in attempts to create structure or be consistent
children may have problems at school, in neighbourhood, fuelling her belief she is a bad parent
woman loses the respect of some or all children
some children see her as legitimate target of abuse
children disregard her parental authority, don't follow her rules
children may grow to devalue or be ashamed of mother
woman believes twisted excuses abuser provides for his behaviour
believes abuse is her fault so tries to modify her behaviour
believes abuse is her fault so feels guilty about its effect on children
believes abuse is linked to alcohol or stress
believes abuse is culturally or religiously appropriate
believes men and boys should have more privileges and power in the family
woman changes her parenting style in response to abuser's parenting style
is too permissive in response to authoritarian parenting of abuser
is too authoritarian to try and keep children from annoying abuser
makes age-inappropriate or unreasonable demands on children to placate abuser
is afraid to use discipline because the children have been through so much
left to do all the demanding parts of parenting while he engages in fun parts
woman's capacity to manage is thwarted or overwhelmed
depression, anxiety, poor sleeping, etc. compromise her capacity to care for children and provide for their daily needs
if denied use of birth control, too many children are born too close together
may be denied sufficient money to meet children's basic needs for food, etc.
reactive rather than pro-active parenting, responding to crisis not preventing problems
woman may use survival strategies with negative effects
may use alcohol or drugs to excess
may maltreat children, physically or verbally
may leave them with inadequate caretakers to get a break
may avoid being at home (e.g., working double shifts)
woman's bond to children is compromised
children may be angry at mother for failing to protect them or evict abuser
mother prevented by abuser from comforting distressed child
one child assumes care-taking role for mother
children anticipating a mother's deportation or leaving may become anxious or may emotionally disengage to protect themselves from impending loss
woman gets trapped in competition for children's loyalties
abuser attempts to shape child's view of himself as good and mother as bad
abuser is fun parent who has no rules
after separation, abuser entices children to support his bid for custody with promises of great life at his house
abuser has more money and can offer more material goods and nicer home
Handout for Women
How an Abusive Partner can Affect You as a Mother 
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