How Abusive Men Affect Family Dynamics

Effects of violence, verbal abuse, and victim blaming

Children see their mother as helpless, down trodden, stupid. They may acquire the abuser's view of the woman as unworthy of respect and some will see her as a legitimate target of abuse.

Deliberate tactics

Interferes with mother's attempts to create structure; contradicts her rules; rewards child's disrespectful behaviour to mother; ridicules mother; portrays her as incompetent in front of child.

After separation

Vies for child's loyalty by making his home a fun place with no rules; permits activities disapproved of by mother (e.g., violent videos); may alienate child from mother; may seek custody as vengeance.

Direct interference

May prevent mother from comforting distressed child; may prevent use of birth control so children are born too close together, overwhelming the mother; social isolation restricts opportunities to involve children in extra-curricular activities.

Indirect interference

Abuse fosters depression, anxiety, poor sleeping, rage, loss of confidence so mother cannot focus on the needs of children; may increase likelihood of maltreatment, use of drugs/alcohol, or permissive and even neglectful parenting.

Children's distancing themselves from mother

More pronounced in boys and teenagers of either sex, the development of contempt for a mother or being ashamed to be associated with her.

Violence by children against mother

Also more common in boys, and most often after a separation, a child assumes the role of abuser, sometimes to win the approval of the absent father.

During the relationship

Maltreatment, neglect or other hurtful behaviour to child (e.g., destroying Christmas presents) to hurt mother; having child spy on mother; deliberate endangerment of child; threats to harm, kidnap or kill child, leave the family destitute, or call child protective services.

After separation

Blaming mother for separation; enlisting child's support to pressure mother for reconciliation; using child to communicate with or spy on mother; seeking custody.

Sowing divisions

Turning family members against each other or creating alliances of some against others by, for example, favouring one child over others; lying; revealing confidences; fomenting conflict; punishing all children for the mis-behaviour of one, etc.

Scapegoating one child

Blaming one child for all problems in the family.

Chronic fear and emotional deprivation

Deepen and solidify unhealthy dynamics among family members; children may compete for abuser's attention because his attention and affection is scarce.

Role reversal

Parentification of children (i.e., adopting or being given a parental role in the family) and infantilizing of mother (i.e., treating her like a child) may over time see the woman being protected by child; child may try to predict and prevent violence by the abuser.

Using   Unfair Tactics

Projecting non-abusive image; using new partner as character reference; using the mother's anger or mistrust to discredit her defensive accusations; presenting himself as the party willing to communicate; manipulating mediation or dispute resolution; using litigation as abuse; using woman's sexual orientation against her; using actions in one court to advantage in another; involving his parents to seek visitation.